Christmas blues

Yesterday we went to a funeral. My brother in law David's mom passed away, she was 88.

Now I did not really know her, I think I met her two or three times, but we went for David- to support him. As we sat there during the service it brought back memories of my mother in laws funeral two years ago. That was tough...Jeff's mom stayed with us the last 2 mos. of her life as she went to Fox Chase Cancer Center for treatments every day. She beat the cancer, but her resistance was so compromised that she contracted an infection while in the hospital and her system turned septic.

As I sat there I began to think about my own mortality...and for the first time I felt old older...I know I am 50 but mentally I don't FEEL like I'm 50. For the first time I faced the fact that most likely my life is more than half over. Time seems to go by so quickly, it seems like just yesterday that it was my birthday in July.

I look at my children and they aren't really children anymore...they're all young adults now. I love this stage of their lives, but at the same time it makes me sad. I miss little voices, holding hands, believing in Santa, snuggling and their belief that Mommy & Daddy knew "everything".

This week I find myself tearing up for no real reason.. Unfortunately I battle depression (and have my whole adult life)and it seems to be trying to take hold of me again. So I think I need to REALLY take a look around and count my blessings and try and live each day like it could be my last. I need to shake myself out of this blue funk and reflect upon why we celebrate Christmas. I need to find the joy of the holiday season and focus on that. I need to stop obsessing about the things I simply cannot change. I need to take a second look at my list of things I am thankful for (from Thanksgiving).

I am very thankful that:

I have everyone home this Christmas.

God - listens to me whine & bitch on a regular basis- thanks God!

I am married to a wonderful man, he is my rock, my partner, my everything. I cannot imagine my life without him in it.

I have three great kids- Jenny, Stefanie & J.J. bring me such joy even while they sometimes drive me crazy.

My family is all in relatively good health We all take our health for granted because there are many people who are living with debilitating diseases for whom seeing another Christmas is truly a miracle.

For my home, because there are many who do not have homes or who are losing their homes due to the economy.

To have a job- not that I love my job, but I am happy I have a paycheck coming in...

For my two dogs Buffy & Cali.

That our family is economically "ok" we're not rich, but we have enough.

**I am also thankful that I have off until Jan. 4 after today :)**

May all of you have a wonderful Christmas... and remember to keep Christ in Christmas- because isn't that really what it's all about?