I am not going to do a recap of my year or make any New Years resolutions because quite honestly I rarely follow through on them.
What I am going to comment on how I feel, right now- this minute. I am going to just type whatever pops into my head...
As I sit here still in my jammies with a now cold cup of coffee, the tv on in the background and my dog Cali loudly chewing on a bone I feel relatively happy. OK, happy is not really accurate- content?... no...hmmm OK... yes, I feel OK- not happy but not sad either. No one in my family is ill (thank God) no life threatening illness, no major crisis going on (that i know of) so I guess for now life is alright. God that sounds pathetic- life is OK?
We had a nice Christmas, hubby surprised me with diamond studs, (very nice!) and my oldest got engaged. We have begun looking for a venue for her May 2012 wedding and I have shed a few tears in private at the realization that I will only have her with me another year and a half. :( The dynamics of our family is subtlety changing, we are going to have a son in law... that is a weird concept, but like many other things I will get used to it.
Paul, my trainer has gently gotten on my case and told me I need to get serious in my quest to lose weight and get in shape... and he's right *sigh* and is using the wedding to blackmail me into getting into shape...so I will have to suck it up and get back into it. ugh.
My younger daughter "cheergirlie" will go back to JMU a week from Sunday (not looking forward to that) and my hubby and son will head back to the apartment tomorrow and our house will become QUIET again. I can remember when my kids were very young wishing for alone time, and now that I have it, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
I don't think I've ever really commented or explained why our lives are like this. Two years ago we decided to pull our son from our local high school to put him in a catholic high school. Long story short, the school principal filed a complaint and he lost eligibility to play football for his sophomore year. So he & hubby moved into an apartment out of state about an hour from home. They live there full time and I see them on the weekends- either I go there or they come home. The first year was VERY difficult for me. In a 2 week period hubby and QB1 moved out and cheergirlie left for her freshman year of college. The engaged one and I were left @ home and we work opposite hours. I went from a bustling house of five to being virtually alone. It has been hard. Very hard. But amazingly enough you get used to it.
I miss my husband. I miss all the little things he does (good & irritating).
I miss my baby boy. I hate that I feel like I am missing his high school years.
I hate that I don't know his friends the way I knew the girls friends.
I hate that I don't have a gang of teen-aged boys hanging out at my house.
A lot of hate in those last few lines...
It's emotionally draining, and it's lonely.
One thing this experience has taught me is patience. I find I pray more and I don't let the "small stuff" get to me as much as I used to. I pray for the strength to accept whatever God has planned.
My hope for 2011 is to just get through it-
That is an amazing sacrifice that you and your husband have made so your son can play football. I cannot even imagine Barb - really - I would be at my wits end with Pooldad and my kid[s].
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are lonely - I just can't imagine, but I am here by email - and phone if you ever want to talk. Just give the heads up!
[And yes - dreading sending Squirrel back in one week :( I LOVE having her home too.]
Hugs and the best sweetie. Just email me.
*without...not with...eek
ReplyDeleteYou guys are amazing. Really. And true love often comes with true sacrifice.
ReplyDeleteSmall, comforting words to try to take away some of the loneliness.
Now if I could just make you a quilt out of them we'd be all set.
Yeah... I don't know either.
Ooooh, that sounds hard. Don't let it get you down. Life sure is interesting, isn't it? Just when you figure out how to do everything picture-perfectly something happens that forces you to choose to do it differently. I have a lot of low-level anxiety about the way I set up my kids' childhoods and I have to keep telling myself, "We might not be the Cleavers, but at least we're not the Kardashians."
ReplyDeleteYou are terribly smart. Patience is a virtue. Don't sweat the small stuff...and stop reading when awkward blogger starts using too many clichés in a row.
ReplyDeleteThe sadness is there in your words. I'm sorry. Being lonely is just plain hard. What wonderful parents you two are to make this huge sacrifice for your son.
ReplyDeleteI know this sounds corny, but the blog community is a wonderful place with some good folks in it. I see a few of my friends up there in your comments who, like me, who are always here. (we're addicts)
And since you have a trainer, my suggestion would be to medicate your sadness with pretzel m&m's. They are intoxicatingly delicious.
But seriously, I'm just a blog away. So don't be sad alone.
Thanks for the support ladies- I am past my pity party now :) Just figured when I referred to them leaving people would wonder what was going on. :)
ReplyDeleteTruly- I appreciate your kind words! <3