Unintended adj/not intended; unplanned
Well I am shit outta luck because for the most part I am a planner. What to write...? *long sigh*
For the most part, any major decision made in my life has been planned. All 5 of my pregnancies were planned. I guess what was unintended were the two miscarriages I had prior to #1 child.
I remember how excited I was *small smile*. I had been feeling queasy and was late. We were "trying" to get pregnant and there ya go, first month, how about that for beginners luck? Of course in our excitement we told all of our family & friends, I now realize we should've waited because around 9-10 weeks in I miscarried.
Everyone was so quick to tell us (me) "oh it happens so often" or "you're young you have plenty of time". But to me, that had been a baby, a promise of a new life and as quickly as it came it was gone.
I went in to the hospital, & had the "procedure" to ensure I had completely aborted.
I felt empty inside. Our dog Tiger knew something was up, they had me stay in bed for 2-3 days afterwards. Tiger left me ONLY to go outside to do her business & eat. The rest of the time my angel was at my side in bed with me.
That next year I got a full time teaching job. We moved on and decided to give it a little time before trying again. Things were back to normal and I finally shrugged off the miscarriage. I started my new job and immersed myself in work. That fall we decided to give it another try.
First month AGAIN, I got pregnant. This time we didn't broadcast it, we decided to wait a little bit before telling anyone. I was sicker than a dog. At times I actually looked green.... I breezed past the 9-10 week mark and we breathed a little easier. We decided to tell just family at Thanksgiving. Everyone was very excited for us!
About two weeks before Christmas hubby had to fly to Puerto Rico for business. I had passed the twelve week mark and my "morning sickness" was finally subsiding. Not a moment too soon either because up until that time I hadn't felt up to Christmas shopping, I was too nauseous.
I went in for an appointment with my OB and he ordered a set of blood work to be done. Some particular enzymes or something - they drew blood right then and there, and then I had to return after 48 hrs. to get another test done. The numbers that he was looking for were supposed to double daily. Friday afternoon, two weeks before Christmas I was supposed to call the dr.'s office for the results. I stopped by to see my parents after work and realized I had to call the dr. before they closed for the weekend.
The first thing the nurse said to me was "are you alone?" A feeling of dread came over me at her question but I stayed calm and I replied that no I was with my parents. She then explained that the test indicated that the numbers, rather than doubling were decreasing and that I needed to report to the hospital the next morning because I was about to lose the baby. I started asking questions and finally she said "I'm very sorry but your fetus might already be dead".
That was the only time in my life that I ever lost total control. I began screaming/crying and luckily we were able to get hold of hubby- my parents talked to him and my mom drove me home and stayed the night with me. It was a rough night.
The next morning I reported to the hospital - the whole thing seemed so surreal. I felt really alone.
When I woke up in the recovery room, somehow hubby was there. His boss had chartered a plane and got him home. We just clung to each other. The next month (including Christmas) were really hard for us. We pretty much just went through the motions. Even now, 25+ years later remembering this still makes me cry.
Our ending is happy though, we have three beautiful kids. :) I cannot imagine our lives without each of them.
Looking back, sometimes I think, what if?
Had I not miscarried those two times I would most likely not have my cheergirlie or QB1... this is unimaginable....
Unintended...? I like to think that this was the plan God had for me. Going through those two miscarriages made us appreciate our kids so much more.
Wow, that was an amazing story. I can't imagine what you went through during those first two pregnancies and what you must have gone through during each subsequent one. Over the long haul you seem to have adopted the appropriate attitude. Good on ya.
ReplyDeleteYeah dufus it was tough...and that first child's pregnancy it was hard, we kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. But happily we had a beautiful little girl at the end. :)
ReplyDeleteHey Barb, this is a raw tale; I really feel for you and your excellent husband. And yeah, you're a proud and lucky mom. Indigo x
ReplyDeleteThx Indigo- it wasn't what I had planned,(hence unintended) but I felt like it was something I needed to get out. :)
DeleteI love how you ended this heart-breaking post as a tribute to your children.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine not having them! :)
DeleteI'm sorry you had to endure those tragedies. Like you said, though, it was the way it was supposed to work out, and you have a lovely family now. I know this was an emotional post to write. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda, funny how it never leaves you.... but you're right I am blessed!
DeleteOh Barb, what a heartbreaking story. I am so sorry you had to go through that, and so glad that you eventually had your three beautiful children. Life takes and life gives..
ReplyDeleteExactly Ziva... and I cannot imagine my life without my 3 :)
DeleteI can TOTALLY imagine my life without my four. But that's another story.
DeleteThis is a remarkably open, honest and emotional story. No snark here, I really admire your willingness to share your experience -- not only what happened then, but your view of it now. I'm glad you're happy about how things worked out instead of bitter about how they didn't. Your attitude is admirable.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mike! It's easier to look back at it- it's all about perspective :)
DeleteWOW. I am speechless. I am not even reading the comments people left because I don't want them to influence what I write. Bottom line I want to say I think you are the bravest person in the world to write all this and to be so open and honest. I bet you cried writing this. I lost my first before I tested pregnant. I was late... I knew I was pregnant... and then at work I had horrible cramps and basically blood exploded out of me in the bathroom. I can't imagine that after being "officially" pregnant. My heart goes out to you. And what a joyous ending. Three beautiful children... a true gift. How amazing!
ReplyDeleteYes Katherine I did cry when I wrote it. Don't diminish your loss either- it stays with you! I never intended to tell this story, but once I started I had to finish. And my three are my joy! :)
DeleteThere's so much emotion and honesty in what you've written. I appreciate that you're able to look back on those saddest of moments with perspective, and an appreciation for everything you have. Thank you so much for sharing this story.
ReplyDeleteWow.. I honestly don't know what to say here. To share something like this really is an amazing thing.
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